Bottled Water Reported to Consist of "over 50% cyanide," reports North American Science Association

The North American Science Society released a report last Tuesday stating that most brands of bottled water contain upwards of 50 percent cyanide.
The report continues, "the remaining half of bottled water consists mainly of chlorine, sorbitol, germanium and the tears of the innocent." It also explained that that high price typical of bottled water is meant to cover the cost of pure germaniun, a very rare mineral found only in the salt flats of Azerbaijan.
The C.E.O. of Aquafina declined to comment.